i keep thinking this is the part where it stops. where something clicks into place. where the world narrows and explains itself, but it doesnt, it just keeps widening like a mouth, like a wound, like the floor, dropping out again and again and i am so tired of falling but i want to fall and die, i want to die, i deserve to, why dont i die yet???

i did the right thing didnt i??? i had to. i saw it. i know what i saw i know what he did with his hands with his mouth with the way he smiled like it was nothing like it was allowed like it was his right and i still loved him!!! god!!!!!!! i still loved him!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! even after, even when i knew, and that has to mean something rotten about me!!! it has to mean i am built wrong from the inside out

i should have died instead, why didnt i die, why am i still here breathing like i get to keep the air after what i did, after what i am…

he was everything, he was my whole shape, the way days worked, the way nights worked, the way the bed felt wrong when he wasnt there and now the bed feels wrong because he is there everywhere in pieces in smells in the sink in my teeth in my dreams and i cant even grieve him properly because what kind of monster mourns someone like that. what kind of person misses the hands that hurt children

i miss you i hate you i miss you i hate you i want you back i want you gone i want to tear my own head open until it makes sense

they would kill me if they knew they, should kill me if they knew, i deserve to be pulled apart slowly carefully like i did to him, like i learned to do so easily like it was waiting in me all along maybe this was always what i was for maybe this is the only thing i am good at

i keep thinking about the knife, not the killing, not even the blood, just the way my hands stopped shaking for once, the way everything went quiet inside my head like finally, finally peace, and that scares me more than anything else

i pray for punishment and nothing comes i wait for someone to knock on the door and they dont i am so invisible and the world keeps walking past me like i am insignificant like i have been erased already and maybe that is worse than being caught

i tell myself i will stop, i tell myself this was the last time, i tell myself i am done i am done i am done, but the word done doesnt stick it slides off like everything else

sometimes i think if i disappear, if i lie down somewhere cold and dont get back up the ground will take me and that will be it, no more thinking no more remembering no more tasting

no no dont think about that, dont think about the way his skin changed dont think about the smell dont think about the heat the way it felt wrong and right and wrong and right again

i loved you i hated you i saved them i doomed myself i am a hero i am nothing i am worse than nothing

but you tasted so good
so good so good so good
warm salt metal sweet wrong wrong wrong
teeth hands mouth chew swallow quiet

stop stop stop
why wont it stop

i am still here
i am still hungry