he knows now
this is worse
this part is worse

before it was simple, before it was just blood and necessity and the quiet afterwards. the clean straight line from wrong to done, but now there is a face attached to the future, and it is looking at him like he isnt already ruined

I should never have met him
should never have opened my mouth
should never have answered questions
should have lied better, should have disappeared, should have finished it properly the first time

every time chihara breathes near me it feels like contamination, like oil spreading in water, slow, unavoidable, impossible to take back, and its my fault, my fault! my fault!!! i am dragging him down with me and he doesnt even see the drop yet

he thinks i am something else
he thinks i am better than i am
he thinks i am salvageable

i watch his hands and i think about mine and i feel sick, i feel like my skin is lying for me, pretending it hasnt done what it has done, pretending it isnt capable of doing it again

because thats the thing isnt it
i didnt stop
i never stopped
i kept going

i tell myself they deserved it, i tell myself it was justice, i tell myself it was mercy, but the truth keeps clawing up anyway and the truth is i didnt stop when i could have, i didnt stop when it hurt, i didnt stop when i started feeling calm instead of afraid

i am a serial killer
it doesnt matter why
it doesnt matter who
the word sticks anyway like rot in the walls

and now i feel things for him and it makes me want to tear my own chest open, because how dare i feel anything clean, how dare i want warmth, how dare i imagine a future when my past is stacked up behind me in pieces i cant even remember the names of anymore

youre watching arent you
youre laughing
you always said i was the weaker one
you always said id never leave
and now look at me, trying to crawl into someone else's light like a parasite, like i didnt carve you open with my own hands to rip myself out of you

i hate you
i miss you
i hate that i miss you

i hate that sometimes i still hear your voice in my head telling me what to do, and sometimes i listen without realising until its too late

chihara says my name and it feels like being touched on a bruise, like something tender i forgot was still there, and it scares me because tender things break so easily and everything i touch breaks eventually

i should end this
i should stop existing in his orbit
i should vanish quietly like a good mistake
no note, no mess, no body to even bother cleaning up, just absence like i was never here

would that balance it
would that make the numbers make sense
would that finally be enough blood

i look at my hands and i swear i can still taste it sometimes, sweet, metallic, wrong and my stomach twists because my body remembers even when my mind begs it not to

you tasted so good
no stop
dont
dont think that

i am disgusting
i am hollow
i am still hungry and i dont know what for anymore

if he ever really sees me, if he ever changes his mind, if he ever realises what kind of thing is standing this close to him he will recoil and i think part of me wants that, part of me wants to be rejected properly, punished properly, confirmed as irredeemable

because this in between, this almost, this hope shaped like a knife is unbearable

i am already dead
i dont understand why i just keep waking up anyway